Self-Care

Ghosts???    lol...

I didn't even think of that but it did bring a smile to my face. 

this doesn't look like a very good self care area with people getting called barn animals. maybe i should seek a different therapy group. lol

I didn't even think of that. I am upset...    Just kidding, it's al in fun.

In some religions cows are sacred

Funny... when I was growing up in Germany it was "blöde Kuh," or "stupid cow." Now, that's an insult! LOL

When I was looking up the spelling, I found something interesting. Apparently, there was a cheese shop in LA by that name:

blodekuh.com/

I notice a closing letter so maybe they are no more?

It was my birthday and I was pretty sad because none of my IRL people remembered it. Kinda made me feel like I no longer matter. So as part of my self care today I spent some time on a mental health forum I go to. That helped some.

Happy Birthday, Mary!

Mary you matter to us ...

Happy birthday 🎂

I know how that feels.

Well, I'm wishing you a Happy Birthday!

I really wish self-care wasn't such an aggravating and difficult routine to start. I was told that self-care could be as simplistic as watching a movie or a show, but it seems like all of those kinds of self-care activities only leave me with intense feelings of depression and uselessness. I don't have much of a social life where I live and it feels more like being trapped in a desert (since I live in a literal desert) so most of my life I've spent within my room or whatever room I shared with my mother. I never really went to high school aside from my freshmen year since I later transferred and graduated from a virtual academy. My graduation was truly an unique experience as those who walked with me were people I was meeting for the first time and potentially the last time. I made friends with one girl, but we fell out of contact. Beside all of that it felt like my whole life was spent doing leisure activities like socializing on the internet, watching television and movies, playing video games, etc. My brother who I would later realize was pretty toxic and perhaps a bit misogynist despite his claims that he supports women would constantly accuse me of being unable to achieve anything because I was lazy. I think this is where my poor self-esteem comes from.

So basically I've been told by close friends who I made within my 2020's that self-care is a necessary routine to follow, along with boundary setting, but I never have any idea where to start and it seems like for me such a routine would contain tasks that almost nobody would ever really consider to be self-care that it could border on the lines of being dangerous. I have a new job now working for a well-known and well-established amusement park in California and I would much rather be there then at home where the feelings of being worthless flood over me. My starting position is literally a steward, a fancy word for dishwasher, and yet I feel like Spongebob Squarepants going to work a job that many people would consider mundane. This is probably why Rapunzel has quickly rose through the ranks to become my all-time favorite Disney princess, because she is too much like me and someone I hope to aspire to be since she becomes a total badass near the end of the series. However, Penny Proud is in a pretty close second for favorite Disney character.

I apologize for the lengthy post. I just wish I knew why self-care is something that is extremely aggravating and difficult for me to fell into.

It honestly doesn't feel fair to me to compare myself to the other stewards. Even one of my scheduling managers told me this and the reason is because I am new and I am just starting to learn the new skills needed to get up to speed with those who have been there longer. He even told me that I shouldn't pay much attention to people who say I am going too slow or I'm being non-efficient because I am still learning my way around the job. Efficiency is one of the 5 keys at my work, but it is the last key in the hierarchy behind the other 4 keys.

Every job has value: I worked as an office assistant before COVID-19 hit and I loved it. Sadly, that job is no longer. But I have hope I will find a job - any job - to at least get me out into the working world. The working world YOU are part of, Leaf.